f&ck yes, or no thank you – the litmus test for ALL relationships
clutter, not a word necessarily associated with the people in our lives but maybe it should be
clutter (for me) is anything that takes up more space than it’s worth due to inefficient use, insufficient benefit from use or simply too difficult to use
random bric-a-brac of things all over the place, that are kind of useful… sometimes
as we move through our lives and ‘connect’ with more and more people we begin to subtly create an emotional and relational junk drawer
a repository of people and relationships that kind of fit, but are honestly more hassle than they are worth: clutter
being highly sensitive puts us in a conundrum of being starved for the very thing we sometimes avoid
the deep need to connect, hear and be heard
the sense of having a social fascia to lean into and take a breath
this is something that is at the forefront of my sensitive way of life
- how do i navigate such a contrasting set of experiences?
- what do i need from these experiences?
- how do i define them?
- how do i decide what criteria to implement?
- how do i communicate and translate this optimized version of myself to those around me?
- most importantly, how does it make any sense that in order for me to feel more connected, held, understood and understanding i actually need to drastically cull a large proportion of relationships and people from my life?
i found my answer in two places: curation and essentialism
curation until now, appears to have been exclusively available to those participating in monotheism and/or high end collectors
essentialism is also something from the ‘arty/design’ world
evolving from minimalism, essentialism is less restricted while still preserving the core value of seriously evaluating it’s value in our space
we all know the feeling; when we walk into a space, a shop or a home that has been carefully put together the feeling of calm, safety, care and honoring is deeply apparent
the home of our minds and the home of our heart must hold that very same integrity
so far, my sorting methodology has been this:
- how do i feel?
- how do i feel after having spent time with Person X?
- how do i feel when thinking about Person X?
- how do i feel during my time with Person X?
- looking into the future, how does Person X fit into the upgraded version of myself that i am conscientiously bringing to life?
how do i feel?
as HSP’s this is our superpower and our responsibility
we can feel and therefore must feel
this knowledge, this internal data, this internal forever optimizing algorithm is a gift, a talent, an offering, a duty
the question has been internally posed
i have and continue to ask myself how i feel about this connection with this human?
the result from my reflection and the harvested data is now to be super imposed onto the criteria i have for my life being:
- how do i want to feel?
- whom do i want to become? how will i get there?
- what sets off my alarm bells?
- what soothes my soul?
in short, what fills my bucket and what takes away from it?
in the context of relational exchange, i feel it’s important for me to express that nothing fills my tank faster than giving. giving to those in my life that i cherish, value and feel safe around
who are these people? how do i make the discernment between ‘great’ relationships and ‘preserve at all cost’ relationships ?
my process includes really understanding and listing the core values of my life. i value reciprocity, curiosity and emotional range
these tenets are a vital part of how i connect with other and conversely how they allow me to connect with them
and so, back to the title of this post…f&ck yes or no thank you; now the barrier for entry into my life is ±95% benchmark for entry…harsh perhaps, but effective
this is how emotional and relational essentialism manifests itself into my life. i can’t deny that i’ve heard myself say to friends, close friends, acquaintances, bosses and family members; “i’m sorry, this is great but it’s enough, it’s not naturally sustainable, it’s just a little too heavy, a little too hard…simply not enough ROI unfortunately
self doubt and hesitation does creep in
- have i made the right choice?
- am i shallow?
- am i fussy and dismissive?
- am i high maintenance?
i don’t know, but i can say that once the decision has been made, the relevant parties have been notified, all that is left is glorious space where everything has it’s place
energy accounting is no little thing
noticing all of the places in our lives and in our day to day routines that are slow punctures?
all the places we are driving with a perilously flat tyre?
all the places in our lives where it’s just too energetically expensive to invest?
sustainable energy is very on trend and often it feels like our culture does not apply that ethos to the human experience
why not apply these principals to all areas of our lives, both emotional and physical?
after the choices have been made, communicated and implemented then, all i am left with are high quality maximum nourishment relationships. every where i reach, i find a warm open hand. every person i call cares about what i have to say
every conversation leaves me feeling open and seen
what about all this apparent ‘vacancy’ in my life?
well, what is not filled by relationships, people, opinions, expectation and the like is blissful clear empty space just like those beautiful wide open corridors with manicured walls and pristine floors
one vase, one flower. one book. one sofa. one rug. one mug. all of these ‘object’s’ are holding space for silence and natural sunlight
not unlike the temple of my home, my internal space feels more expansive, cared for, centered and clearer by the day
notice what is good, maybe even great but not quite a ‘f&ck yes’ in your life?
‘if it’s bitter at the start, then it’s sweeter in the end’ – madonna
what if anything or anyone could you begin to let go of today in order to allow more expansive space into your life?
start slow and make the ‘easy’ choices first, enjoy the extra mental bandwidth, then report back and let us know how it feels